father

my parents are wise as fuck.

the older you get, the deeper the conflicts become. maybe less heated, but definitely deeper. about the bigger issues, you know?

there are times where we fucking hate our parents, where we just want to get the fuck out of our houses to be absent from their presence, where we just slap them right across the face and then we feel like we can just push them temporarily out of our lives.

in a time like this, with a decreased salary, my dad has opened up to me a bit to what the adult life is really like. it brings tears of happiness to my eyes to see what parents really do for their children. you don't really notice until you age. you really gotta fucking appreciate what they do.

my dad has become really sensitive with me spending their money on unnecessary things. as mentioned, he has a decreased salary (but he switched jobs because of greater benefits). if i ask him for a couple dollars for, say, going downtown with friends, he says to me something along the lines of, "sure, i'll let you go...... but i hope you know that it's really tough, especially with hydro/phone/etc. bills increasing because of harmonized sales tax, and also because of my job."

my mom pretty much works a shit job with some serious assholes, but you know what? she's been there for as long as i can fucking remember. why has she not decided to quit? because she gets a good-enough pay (but working with assholes = no raise whatsoever).

i went with her to the hardware store when my parents went to put our basement materials on credit. yes, we're finishing our basement this summer, and the money that we're paying out, i guess, is really boring holes into their bank accounts and wallets (good thing we got some hook-ups though... lol). as she side-tracked a bit to look at some curtains, i felt that she bled a little bit of her deepest feelings out to me. what she said to me had me frozen in my spot. she said to me, something like, "well we have to put it on credit. and that really sucks because, you know, when you put stuff on credit, mortgage goes up. and we work all our lives to pay off that mortgage. but you know, that's how it is."

that's when it really hit me. mortgage. it's deadly. yes, parents work all their adult lives to maintain the roofs over their families' heads. and on top of that, they have to shell money out to feed their children too. and to pay for their education. and speaking of which, i had to sit beside my dad as we clicked through the university web pages to pay for my tuition. he didn't seem too depressed about that though, even though tuition went up in the past 4 years. why? i guess he loves his children.

it feels like i'm starting to get directionless with this. here's what i'm basically trying to say to you: your parents work their fucking asses off for you because they love you. even if you give them shit for whatever, they still love you.






out of all this, this is how life seems to be (apologies in advance for any inaccuracies... lol):

life is... like a wall. when we're young, our parents show us this wall. upon first glance, it's painted pretty colours. it's glittering, glimmering, gleaming. it's appealing. the way our parents have presented it to us, makes it seem so... easy. "sugar-coated", if i may. we enjoy looking at this wall, not caring about anything else. "ignorance is bliss."

when we get older, the wall starts to get bigger. but it looks different. what we look at is an increasing view of reality. we become stronger, wiser, and more knowledgeable. ignorance is no longer bliss. truth, honesty, and sincerity is bliss. lasting friendships, love, hate; it all happens. the wall has fragments and remnants of the easiness of the past years, but the deterioration becomes noticeable. i guess it's not as pleasing, but what can you do about it?

with further aging, we have children. children that we truly love. children that symbolize love. children that are love. the wall decays to an unappealing façade. hurts to look at it, but that's what reality is, and we must face it. we've spent our whole lives looking at the phases of this wall, but now we must do something with it before our children take sight of the ugly wall that stands before us.

before our children develop consciences and are able to think somewhat rationally, we, as parents, must restore the past layers of the wall that we once viewed. we want our children to be happy, but we must also bear in mind the rebellious adolescent years that they will inevitably face. and so, we put back the wallpapers.

the time will fly by and you won't even notice that our children have developed consciences. and now, as parents, we are the ones tearing down each layer of the wall.