yep, i'm fucking jealous. i need a fucking job. can't just complain all the fucking time.

silenced.

like a muzzled pistol. except when they fuck up the gun so the shooter is the one who gets shot. because when i try to pull the trigger and tell you how i really feel, you don't hear anything from me. i don't really know how the mechanism works, but i guess that the bottom line is that the bullet goes through my chest. terrible analogy. haha.

so, what i want to say comes out as a directionless, anorexic wisp of air.

it's all in my heavy heart. i want to show it. i wish i could tell you, but my mouth has been stitched shut.

please help me.

haha i'm weak.

i'm really not worth anything.

the clock's ticking...

no, fuck that. cliché shit. fuck your analog clocks.





"and you may begin!"

i say my prayer, so i won't feel like shit later. it's getting hard to breathe, air is thin like... stapled papers opened in fast motion. forgetful-force trauma, pain to the brain is potent, all previous knowledge runs dry, need some fuckin' lotion. pressure placed on peers. race with the digital clock's lines, they shapeshift, seven becomes eight and, i go ape-shit facing the colon that blinks. can't take a moment to think, gotta convert anything i remember into ink. half-hour passes, one hour remaining, what the fuck did i learn in my classes? i don't know, my head's fucking aching. just choose the least-chosen answer, but that's just dropping a hammer on these math marks. it's a risk, but this isn't a board game. here's my foray into the flames of "course failed". studied for four days, but now my mind is frail. more than half the data lost, and anything i knew, threw into a catastrophic mosh, it's now applesauce. unable to recover equations, no time for waiting. only recalled one formula - now i'm racing, F1, but i'm just overwhelmed... where's my keyboard? i wish i could press that button for help. running laps in my head space, but i still end up in the same place. time's almost up. must finish in 60 seconds, but just too many unanswered questions, can't be lying, no denying, i start self-confessing that there's nothing left to do. i'm guessing that the earlier "amen" was just bad luck disguised as a blessing. unnerving uncertainty in my multiple choices decisions, this is so depressing that later on i'll be making my own skin incisions.

"time's up! hand in your test papers please."

um, i guess i just haven't worked hard enough.

time to go past any fucking limits.

but i'm getting more fucked up too.

i want it all, but i feel like shit because i can't do anything.

or can i?

"jealousy" isn't really the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

what is it,

that fills the space between

two parallel facial façades facing each other?

we laud the Lord for the existence and significance of that special being in our lives,

seeing with our eyes and

feeling on the inside that,

"how is it possible that i'm with one who's so perfect?"

in the sub-skin, the energy that slips back

and forth between the thin cracks

of the hands when tightly intact,

clasped and grasped as if our days approached their last...

what IS that feeling?

when we find out that there's more to it than just

having someone who's "appealing"?

one plus one, probably could be

the story of a hollywood movie,

but instead, this is reel.

emotions - cereberal chemical reactions speeding with vertical velocity, smashing and fracturing through the attic, revealing

that the one you love could send your endorphins soarin' higher than the ceiling.

this is, knowing that nothing is concealing the sun from shining and beaming on this new future...

when you don't even have to ask yourself, "are you sure?"

money transformed you.

good morning/afternoon on this beautiful day.

i don't feel like being alive today.

you know, i am REALLY psychologically fucked up.

like, fuck. my thought (or lack thereof) just really fucks everything up.